How to Kill Ilia in 50 ways
by RyuuRanger
Summary: This fic is inspired by reading MCS's "100 ways to kill Ilia". I thought I should try my hand in this. The story's finally done. And it has a surprise ending!
1. Death by an angry Ruto

I do not own Zelda, but If i did, I'd kill Ilia for being such a whiny bitch from hell.

Link was cooking up some cinnamon rolls in the oven as he brought out three new designer flavors of Mountain Dew. "Ahh, This is the life..." Zelda, Midna, Vaati, The Ordon kids, even Ganondorf were chilling out and relaxing.

"Hey, Link? A friend of yours wants to come in and hang with us." Kafei said. "Sorry Kaf, but I find that VERY hard to believe." Link said.

"It's the truth, Link! And SHE'S here right now!" Kafei said. He walked over to the door. Everyone looked at one another.

"Here she is!" Kafei said. As soon as he opened the door, Ilia walked inside and glared right at Link with a huge smile that would light up a room.

"Hi, Everybody!! HI, MY LITTLE LINKY-PINKY!!" she said.

"ILIA?!" Everyone said in unison.

"OH HELL NAW!!" Link shouted as he jumped out of his chair. "KAFEI, WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY BEST FRIEND!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, BRINGING HER IN MY PRESENCE!? IN MY LINE OF SIGHT?!"

"Sorry, Link, but I thought this party needed more girls." He said.

"HE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND?!" Saria shrieked, trying to stand in Link's face.

"Back up, Saria. Didn't you hear me? I said SECOND best friend!" Link said back.

"_YOU LIAR!!" _Saria roared.

"Look, you KNOW you're my best friend! You're practically the first person I ever met! Now, go eat your Cheerios." Link said, pointing at the table. Saria stormed over in anger over to the table, poured a bowl of Cheerios with milk, and began to eat. Foolishly letting his guard down, Ilia ran over and bear-hugged Link.

"I LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH!! DO YOU WANT SOME OF MY MUFFINS!?" She said.

Link screamed. "CODE RED!! CODE RED!! SHE'S TOUCHING ME!! SHE'S FUCKIN' TOUCHING ME!! SOMEONE GET THE PEPPER SPRAY!!"

Everyone laughed as they watched the scene.

"Awwwwww, isn't that sweet!" Vaati said.

"NO!" Ruto shouted. she stormed over and pulled Ilia off of Link. "Stop that goddamn shit! What kind of woman are you?!"

"One who knows what she wants!" Ilia said arrogantly, sticking her tongue out at Ruto.

"Ruto, calm down, will ya?" Malon said.

"Why?! This girl is a fucking idiot!!" Ruto shouted at Malon.

"_SHUT UP, FISH FACE!!" _Ilia screeched at Ruto.

The black veins suddenly appeared all over Ruto's body as her face turned blood red. "What did you say… WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!"

"Oh, no…" Zelda said.

"Oh, shit…" Link said.

"This ain't good…" Midna said.

"_DON'T YOU EVER,__** EVER**__ TELL ME TO SHUT UP!!"_ The Zora Princess shouted at the socially-challenged farm girl. "NO! NOW LEAVE US ALONE!" Ilia clung to Link like a leech. "ALRIGHT… THAT IS FUCKING IT!! NO MORE MS. NICE ZORA!! I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOUR HIGH AND FUCKING MIGHTY ATTITUDE!!" Ruto shouted, pointing at Ilia. "Whatever." Ilia snorted.

"ONE MORE INSULT OUT OF YOU, AND YOU'LL BE IN FOR A _**SERIOUS **_BEATDOWN!! YOU GOT THAT, GIRL!?" Ruto shrieked with tremendous force.

"ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!" Ilia asked.

"NO, BITCH!! I WAS INVITING YOU FOR A WALK THROUGH THE FUCKING DAISIES!!" Ruto shouted. She then pulled out Link's sword and pointed it at her. "**THIS** IS THREATENING YOU!!"

"Ruto, for the love of Din, DON'T!!" Link said, pleading with Ruto. It was too late. There was no reasoning with Ruto when she was seriously angry.

"NOW YOU CAN TAKE THAT COMMENT FROM EARLIER BACK, OR I'LL CHOP YOUR ASS UP AND USE YOU FOR MY NEWEST COAT AND MELT YOUR UGLY ASS FACE INTO A MASK!!" Ruto shouted, sword still pointed at the dumb, lying bitch. "BRING IT, BITCH! I CAN TAKE YOU!" Ilia screamed and hurled a muffin at her head.

Ruto sliced it in half and charged towards the dumb bitch, raising her sword above her head. Ilia headbutted her in the gut, causing her to drop her sword. Ruto grabbed her head and flung her onto the food table, sending all the good stuff flying all over.

Ilia hurled Ruto out the doorway, causing her to land on the hard ground. Ilia jumped out and was about to do a ground pound on Ruto, but the Zora princess rolled out of the way, letting the Malon-copy land on her butt bone.

Ilia jump-kicked Ruto on her head and sent her rolling along the pathway. Ruto pulled out a stick and slammed it in Ilia's anus. Ilia screamed in pain and punched her breast. Ruto hissed in pain and spat in her eyes. "FUCK!" Ilia swore and swung blindly. Ruto launched a straight punch toward Ilia's tummy, making her collpase.

Ruto then kneed her face and kicked her repeatedly in the groin. Ilia grabbed her foot and pulled her down onto the dirt. Then she leapt onto her and bitch-slapped her across the face. Ruto bit her hand and squeezed her breasts until they began to warp and bulge. Ilia ripped off her fins and farted in her face.

"GODDAMN YOU TO HELL!" Ruto swore and lifted up the evil girl and hurled her at a rock wall, smashng her head. Then she walked back inside Link's house and sat down back on her seat. All the party members looked at her in surprise.

"What? That fucking bitch deserved it. No one ever tells me to shut up." Ruto stuck her nose in the air and snorted. Link shrugged and raised up a tray of muffins. "Muffins, everyone?" He offered nervously. Everyone quietly took one and ate in silence.

Tbc...?

P.S.: This was kinda inspired after reading "100 Ways to kill Ilia." I decided to make my own version of what ways Ilia should die in.


	2. Death by Nature

I do not own Zelda.

Ilia looked up at the sky, not once turning her head down. Link walked by and saw her. "What are you doing?" "SHH! I'm having a staring contest with the sun. You're interrupting me!" Ilia hissed. Link shrugged and walked away, shaking his head.

Soon, Ilia's eyes had dried up and she was stumbling around the village, blind. "Someone help me! I can't see!" Suddenly, out of nowhere, a bull stampede ran toward her and trampled on her fiercely. Ilia stood up and as she took her first steps, an earthquake sent her rolling and flung her to a tree.

"I'M OK!" She shouted. Then a thunderbolt struck her ass on the ground. Ilia managed to stand up. "I'm still OK!" Then a tornado ran through the village and flung Ilia across the woods. She fell through some branches and landed on an acorn. "I'm still somewhat OK!" Ilia moaned.

Just then, a woman with hair green as a luscious forest and eyes blue as the shining ocean walked toward Ilia. "Who the hell are you?" Ilia asked. "Watch your language, child. You are talking to Mother Nature herself." Nature glared at her. "And personally, I cannot believe I let a piece of shit like you desecrate my lands."

"AT LEAST I'M NOT A FREAKY-DEAKY WHORE! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE WALKING AROUND BUTT-NAKED!" Ilia chose the wrong words to say. Nature's eyes glowed with anger as she began opening a fissure to swallow the poor, ugly bitch up.

"LIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKK! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPP!" Ilia screamed at the top of her lungs, but to no avail. She fell in the crevice and her body hit the magma, dissolving it instantly.

Link walked out and looked around. "Did someone call me?" Nature looked at him and shook her head. "It was nothing but the wind, Hero." She smiled and vanished in a whirlwind. "Oh. See ya later, Mother Nature!" Link waved and went back into his house.

To be continued.


	3. Death by Kiva

I do not own Zelda nor Kamen Rider.

Ilia wandered around the forest, doing what she was usually doing, when suddenly, she tripped and fell through a portal. Ilia fell onto pavement and looked around. She was in a place unfamiliar to her. Ilia widened her eyes.

"Where am I?" Ilia looked around. She walked around the garage and walked around. Suddenly, a Fangire burst through the wall and punched her in the stomach. Ilia coughed up blood and rolled along the floor. "You ugly son of a bitch!" She glared at the monster.

The Fangire hissed and summoned its fangs to drain her life. Ilia gasped out in pain as she struggled to stand up. Suddenly, Kiva burst through the scene and sent the Fangire flying with a well-placed kick. "What the hell?!" Ilia gasped out.

Ilia watched the battle escalate as Kiva pulled out his Fuestle and set it in Kivat's mouth. "WAKE UP!" Kivat's voice rang out. The chains on his leg broke instantly. Kiva prepared himself for his finishing move. Ilia stumbled in front of the Fangire and shoved him aside. "HEY, YOU DAMN FREAK!" She shouted at him angrily.

Kiva leapt into the air and delivered a powerful jump kick toward Ilia, sending her flying toward a column; snapping her spine in half. Ilia vomited out blood as her broken ribs pierced her heart. Ilia fell dead to the ground in a heap.

Kiva and the Fangire stared in shock and horror. IXA jumped into the scene, all ready to fight, when he saw Kiva and the Fangire looking at the dead carcass of Ilia. IXA just stood there in awe and fear. Then the three looked at each other, exchanged glances and went their separate ways.

Megumi ran out from above the second level of the garage and tripped over Ilia's corpse. She took one look at it and let out a bloodcurdling scream of terror, scaring the hell out of the people in the vicinity and making them crap in their underwear.

Meanwhile, in Hyrule, Link suddenly shivered for no reason. He then grabbed a Coca-Cola and took a sip out of it. "I really need to relax more." He sighed.

Tbc.


	4. Death by Goonger

I do not own Zelda nor Super Sentai.

Ilia sighed as she had fallen through another portal, yet again. This time she landed on her bum, hard. "OW!" She cried out. She stood up and walked down the sidewalk. "Stupid portals!" She snorted and let out a loud fart.

Suddenly, Ilia saw five people wearing colored costumes. "Bankijuu! We won't forgive you!" The red one shouted. An ugly robot monster growled and hurled gears at the five. "ROAD SABER! SABER STRAIGHT!" Go-on Red struck the monster on its chest, sending it on his back.

Ilia gaped in wonder as the rest launched off their respective attacks. "OK! HIGHWAY BUSTER!" The team aimed their weapon at the monster. Ilia ran toward them in a frenzy. "HEY!" She waved her arms like an idiot. "LOOK AT ME, DAMMIT!"

"Speedor Soul Set!" Go-on Red inserted his Engine Partner's soul into the weapon. "I'll run right through you! DORU-DORU!" The soul cried out. Ilia was stuck like a deer trapped in headlights as the attack hit dead on, sending her crashing into the Bankijuu; knocking them both out.

"Red! Look!" Go-on Yellow pointed at Ilia. "No time to worry about it now! The Bankijuu's about to use Industrial Revolution!" Go-on Blue cried. True to his words, the Bankijuu grew large and let out a roar. The five summoned their Engines and formed Engine-O G6.

Ilia moaned as she looked around. She tried to move her limbs, but they were stuck on the Bankijuu's chest cogs."HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLP MEEE!" She screeched, but to no avail. Engine-O G6 and the Bankijuu fought for a good while. Then Engine-O G6 unleashed its finishing move.

The Bankijuu roared in pain and fell to the ground and exploded, taking Ilia along with him. Engine-O G6 did a victory pose in the sunlight. Back at the Ginjiro, Sousuke and the gang were talking to themselves while the Engines were doing the same.

"I wonder who that blonde girl was?" Speedor asked. "I don't know." Buson shook his head. "I hope she's all right." Bear RV looked concerned. "She was beautiful! Mon ami!" Birca chirped. "I don't know about beautiful." Gunpherd snorted. "I'm hungry de gozaru!" Carrygator complained.

Meanwhile, in Hyrule . . .

Link sighed and shuddered again. "Damn it! Why do I get chills whenever Ilia's gone?!" He groaned and pulled the covers onto his head.

Tbc.


	5. Death by Pisces Aphrodite

I do not own Zelda nor Saint Seiya.

Ilia let out a scream as she yet fell through another portal. She landed flat on her face on the grass. The blonde bitch groaned as she stood up and walked to Sanctuary. "Where am I now? Another crazy place full of weirdo freaks? I WANT MY LINKY NOW!" she whined.

Suddenly, Aphrodite appeared from behind her. "Little girl, who are you and what are you doing here?" Ilia shrieked and turned around. "Who are you and why are you wearing all that shiny armor?" She poked at Aphrodite's breastplate. "I bet you're wearing this to hide your puny boobs."

Aphrodite's face turned red. "Excuse me, but I think you may have mistook me for a woman." Ilia snorted. "Don't try to fool me, bitch! I know a girl when I see one!" She walked around him and shook her head. "What are you doing here, anyway?" Aphrodite rolled his eyes.

"I live here. I am one of the 12 Gold Saints of Athena." Aphrodite swelled with pride. "Is she your friend? There's no way she'd be friends with you! You're too ugly to be her 'Saint'." Ilia shook her head. Aphrodite's face turned crimson and shot a white rose at her chest. "TAKE THAT!"

Ilia gasped in pain as the rose pierced her chest and started to drain her of the precious red liquid that keeps all living things alive. "LIIINKK! HELP ME!!" Ilia sobbed loudly. Aphrodite shook his head as he walked off. "Insolent brat."

Meanwhile, in Hyrule...

Link groaned loudly as another shiver ran up his spine. "Damn these chills!" Bo walked up to him. "Link, have you seen Ilia?" He asked. "No, I haven't." Link sighed and went back to his house.

Tbc.


	6. Death by an exploding apple!

I do not own Zelda.

Ilia was gazing at Link with a dreamy look for hours. "Ilia, how long are you going to stare at me?!" Link snapped, exasperated. "I could look at you forever..." Ilia replied. Link threw his hands up in the air and stormed off. He suddenly stopped halfway as his lips curled up into an evil little smile.

Link rushed into his house and grabbed a bomb and some red and green paint. Then he went to work on his evil project. Link dashed outside and placed the disguised bomb near a tree. "This will be so sweet!" He chuckled.

"ILIA! COME QUICK! ILIA!" Link called out to the annoying brat. Ilia dashed to him like a bee to his hive. "What is it, my Cuddle-Linky?" "Ilia, there's an apple over there! It's all red and shiny!" Link said. "And it's all for you." He half-smiled. Ilia let out a eardrum-shattering scream and ran towards the smoking apple.

"Oh, Linky! It's so big and red and shiny!" Ilia grinned. "I love it!" She opened her mouth and leaned her face in. Link dashed behind a boulder and placed his fingers into his ears. "Wait, what smells like smoke? And why does this apple smell like smoke? And why is it hissing?" Ilia took a careful look at the "apple".

"Wait a minute! This isn't an apple... OH MY GOD!" The bomb exploded instantly, sending chunks of Ilia all over the village. "OH, YEAH!" Link jumped out from his hiding place and did his victory dance. "DING-DONG, THE BITCH IS DEAD!" Link danced all the way back to his house.

Bo came out and looked around. "KEEP IT DOWN!" He roared. "Damn youngsters..." He slammed the door behind him. Cuccos rushed out and began to eat the remains of Ilia.

Tbc.


	7. Death by Handbanana

I do not own Zelda nor ATHF.

Link was playing with a yellow banana-shaped dog. "Go get the ball, boy!" He shouted. "LIIIIIIIIIINKKKKYY!" Ilia walked in and saw the dog. "OOH! What a cute little doggie!" She looked at it lovingly. "Yeah, he is." Link said in an annoyed tone.

"What's his name?" Ilia asked. "Handbanana." Link frowned. "Ilia, don't you have something to do?" Ilia's eyes widened. "You're right! I'll talk to you later!" Ilia turned to leave, only to be stopped by a voice. "Tonight, you." Handbanana pointed at her. Ilia looked at him and gulped.

"Linky, did your dog just talk to me?" She asked. "Of course not! Dogs can't talk!" Link shoved her out the doorway. Later, Ilia was picking flowers in the forest. "I'm sure Linky will love these!" "Hey, bitch." Ilia rose up. "Who said that?!" She turned around and saw Handbanana. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to make sure you get my present..." Handbanana smiled evilly. "What kind of present?" Ilia asked. Suddenly, Handbanana leapt upon her and ripped off her pants and began violating her. "NOOOOOOO! STOOOOOP!" Ilia screamed out into the night.

The next morning, Link was watching Tv with Handbanana. "That stupid Klink. When will he ever learn that Col. Hogan is too smart for him?" Suddenly, Ilia burst through the room, crying. "Linky! Oh, Linky!" She sobbed hysterically. "Handbanana... he...and...I...rape!"

"What the hell are you talking about?!" Link shouted. "HANDBANANA RAPED ME!" Ilia wailed. "What?" Link snickered, then burst into full laughter. "IT'S NOT FUNNY! HE RAPED ME AND HE CALLED ME A BITCH!" Ilia screamed.

"You sure are, babe." Handbanana grinned. "DID YOU HEAR THAT?!" Ilia shrieked. Link was too busy laughing his ass off. "Ilia... He's just a dog!" He choked out. "I'm more than a dog; I'm a man." The yellow dog smirked. "HE JUST CALLED HIMSELF A MAN! ARE YOU NOT LISTENING TO HIM?!"

"Ilia, get the hell out of my house." Link giggled. Ilia stormed off in anger. "Stupid Link! Stupid Handbanana!" She kicked a nearby pebble and sat on a rock. "I hate Handbanana!" Ilia stood up and took off her pants and flung them onto a branch. "Maybe swimming will help me forget."

"Good idea... Sex on a beach." Handbanana whispered into her ear. Ilia screamed as Handbanana pinned her on the ground and violently ravaged her body. "NOOOOOO! SOMEONE HELP MEEEE!" "No one's gonna help you now, bitch!" The yellow dog snarled.

Ilia clawed him on the nose. Handbanana rolled off of her and Ilia got up and stumbled around. Handbanana growled and bit her on the ass. "AAAAAAAH!" Ilia screamed in pain as she lost her footing and fell head-first into the lake.

She flailed her limbs for a while before her senses faded away and water set in her lungs, drowning her. "Damn fucking bitch." Handbanana wandered back to Link's house. "Maybe if I hurry, I can still catch Hogan's Heroes."

Tbc.


	8. Death by a shitty game

I do not own Zelda, Superman and ideas from the AVGN.

Ilia was walking out in the fields, singing some random song about Link and her. "ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN, ALL COVERED IN LOVE, MY LINKY-POO WAS F-" She stopped in mid sentence as she saw something looking at her.

"What the hell is that?" She lumbered towards it. It was a NES game. "Superman." She kept staring into it. Suddenly, the game sucked her in. Ilia opened her eyes and saw a city. "This is weird!" She looked at herself. She had shrunk to a size of a five-year old. "HOLY CRAP!" She yelped.

"WHAT KIND OF SHITTY PLACE IS THIS?!" Ilia shrieked. She ran into the Daily Planet and saw Clark Kent jumping up 20 ft. in the air and floating around. "AAH!" Ilia yelped and dashed out of the buliding. "SOMEONE HELP ME!" The blonde bitch hollered.

She ran towards the Statue of Liberty and fell to her knees. "Young girl, who are you?" The statue talked to her. Ilia looked up and let out a shriek. "TALKING STATUE!" She ran out to the streets. "Where is this horrible music coming from!?" She pressed her hands on her ears. "MAKE IT STOP!"

Suddenly, gangsters shot at her. Ilia ran like crazy and dove into a trashcan. She peeped out and saw Superman beating up the baddies. Ilia hopped out of the trashcan and ran down the sidewalk. "Hey! Can you help me?" Ilia waved at a person. "Got any news?" The person asked. "No! I don't have any!" Ilia snapped and walked to another person.

"Hi!" She said. "How are you?" "I know nothing at all." The other man said. Ilia stuck out her tongue. "You got that right!" She stormed off towards another person. "Hi there!" Ilia greeted the person. "Can you help me?" "Hey! What are you doing?" Ilia let out a frustrated scream and ran off.

She ran inside a building and entered the elevator. It took her up to the roof and she dashed out and leapt from it. "AAAAAAAH!" Ilia screamed as she fell and smashed every bone in her body; killing her.

Link shut off the game and placed it in the garbage. "Man, that game sucked." He got up and grabbed another game. "Now it's time for another fuck-assed game to play." He sighed and placed the game in NES. "Simon's Quest, prepare to be challenged."

Tbc.


	9. Death by Mele

I do not own Zelda nor Gekiranger.

Ilia fell through yet another portal and landed on the court of the Rinjuuden. "Where am I?" She got up and walked inside the main buliding. Ilia looked around and saw a meditating Rio. "Hey! Can you help me?" She walked over to Rio and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hello? Are you listening to me?!" She shook him. "HEY, PRETTY BOY! LISTEN TO ME!" Ilia's face turned red and kicked him in the shin. Suddenly, Ilia was thrown to a wall by an invisible force. "OW!" She howled.

"No one touches my Rio-sama!" Hissed a female voice. "WHO ARE YOU? SHOW YOURSELF, HUSSY!" Ilia stood up. Mele deactivated her cloaking ability and glared at the ugly blonde bitch.

"I am Rio-sama's love warrior." Mele smirked. "More like his whore!" Ilia stuck out her tongue. Mele's face turned red with anger and she changed into her beast-man form. She shot out her tongue and struck Ilia right across the cheek. "Insolent brat!"

"YOU FREAKY LIZARD BITCH!" Ilia tackled her and kneed her in the gut. Mele grabbed her face and punched her in the stomach two times. Ilia rolled off of her and sweep-kicked her off her feet. Mele mule-kicked her in the gut, sending her skidding across the floor.

Ilia got up and went behind Rio. "You can't get me! NYAH!" Mele clenched her fists and glared at her. Ilia jumped over Rio and slid through Mele's legs. Mele turned around and ran after her. "COWARD! COME BACK HERE!" Ilia patted her ass at her, then ran off.

Ilia screamed out as she tripped on a root and fell along the slope. She landed on her back and moaned. Mele dove towards her and planted her foot on her stomach. She grabbed Ilia and hurled her against a tree. Ilia coughed up some blood as Mele grabbed a sai and pinned her to it by impaling her.

Ilia vomited out blood as her vision began to fade. Mele pulled it out and cleaned off the blood. She carried the corpse and walked to the highest cliff. "So pathetic! This girl actually thought she could outfight me!" Mele snorted and hurled Ilia off the cliff. "Serves her right!"

Meanwhile, in Hyrule...

Link sighed as he laid on his bed, bored. "Damn... I wish something exciting would happen." He sighed and fiddled with his remote control.

Tbc.


	10. Death by DenLiner

I do not own Zelda, Kamen Rider Den-O, nor the little surprise I have at the end of this chapter.

Ilia landed yet again in DenLiner, via a portal. She fell on top a cab roof. "Whoa...!" She stumbled around. "Where the heck am I?!" She walked all the way to the front cab and saw a huge desert. "Oh my god!" Ilia gasped.

Meanwhile, the Taros were having some random event. "Rock, Paper, Scissors!" Ryuutaros shouted and threw out rock. Momotaros threw out rock, and Urataros threw out paper. "Damn it!" Momotaros cursed as he kicked the sleeping Kintaros.

Ilia stumbled around and nearly fell off the cab. "Damn it!" She cried out. The train suddenly began to speed up for no reason and Ilia screamed at the top of her lungs. "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!"

She clung to the side of the cab and saw the Taros chatting amongst themselves. "What the-" was all she said before she was pulled away from the window.

Den-Liner began to accelerate to high speeds as Ilia flew and landed on the front of the train. "AAAAAAAAAAAH!" She shrieked into the wind. Then the wind flung her towards the desert as she landed on her ass. "OW!" She cried out as she stood up and looked around.

"Hello?" she walked around, looking for signs of life. Ilia sat on a rock and scratched her butt. "I hate this stupid place..." She whined. "Linky... Come and rescue me!!" Suddenly, the ground began shaking. "What's happening?!" Ilia fell off the rock and rolled down the sandy slope.

She lifted her head up and saw something erupting from the ground. A purplish worm-like creature arose from the ground and glared at her with its yellow eyes and licked its violet tongue against its green lips.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Ilia ran like hell as the beast chased her down. She threw rocks at it, but to no avail. The sandworm leapt at her and wolfed her down in a flash. Then the desert became silent once more.

Meanwhile, In Hyrule...

Link and Zelda were having lunch at the patio on Hyrule Castle. "I wonder what happened to Ilia?" Link said, concerned somewhat. "I'm sure she'll turn up." Zelda said, sipping her tea.

TBC.


	11. Death by Mega Man

I do not own Zelda nor Mega Man.

Ilia was sitting near a brook with a stupid smile on her face. "Linky-winky!" She sighed as she kissed the photograph of Link in his boxers. "You will be mine!" Ilia giggled wildly. "My Linky-winky-dinky!"

Suddenly, another portal opened up and swallowed Ilia all up. "Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh..." Ilia cried out, half-heartedly. She landed on cold, hard ground. "Where am I this time?" Ilia frowned and walked around the place. Suddenly, a Metool shot at her. "OW! YOU LITTLE-" She leapt at it, but hit its helmet head-first; her forehead bleeding.

"DAMN!" She swore as she stumbled around. Suddenly, she fell a cliff and landed on some spikes, killing her. Ilia dispersed into spheres of light and reappeared at the starting point. "The hell is this?!" Ilia ran through the passageway again and was flattened by a falling block from the ceiling.

She reappeared at the starting point again and let out a scream. "DAMN IT! WHY DO I KEEP COMING HERE?!" Ilia jumped up and down and cursed until her face turned blue. Suddenly, the place she was standing on opened up and engulfed her. "NOOOOOOOO!" Ilia screamed, finally dying for good.

Meanwhile...

Link sighed. This game was hard as hell. "I need some help. Maybe the kids have some idea to beat this level." He got up and turned off the Nintendo and went outside.

TBC.


	12. Death by Grand Theft Auto

I do not own Zelda nor Grand Theft Auto.

Ilia fell through yet another portal and landed on some asphalt. "OW!" she cried out. The blonde bitch got up and looked around. "What the hell is this place?" She blinked and saw a car. "What does this do?" She turned on the ignition and the vehicle roared to life.

"AAAAH!" Ilia screamed, not knowing her foot was on the gas pedal. "HEEEELP!" the car sped across the city streets, mowing down innocent bystanders. The police crusiers dashed out from their spots and chased her down with great vigor.

"STOP FOLLOWING ME!" Ilia swerved around like a drunk and crashed into a dumpster, sending her flying against a brick wall. She stood up and hurled cans at the now arriving policemen. "Who the fuck is this kid?" One officer asked. "I don't know, but she's asking for a beating." Another said.

The two officers grabbed her and tried to subdue her. "GET OFF! _GET OFF!_" Ilia roared, hurling them off of her. She grabbed one of their guns and shot them both. Then an Army jeep arrived and two soldiers aimed their machine guns at her. "Drop the gun!" one of them barked.

Ilia shot the soldiers as well. Then she hopped in the Jeep and drove off. Suddenly, a tank lurked behind her and fired its cannon. The projectile found its target; blowing Ilia to flaming pieces.

Meanwhile, In Hyrule...

Link was throwing stuff inside the portal. "I'm bored, bored, bored, bored, bored..." He sighed and got up and left. "I wish somebody was here to relieve my boredom."

TBC.

Yeah, I know I'm not making a creative effort with the previous chapters. Trust me, you too, would be mentally exuasted trying to make good ideas for 50 chapters.


	13. Death, Garfield Style

I do not own Zelda nor Garfield.

Link was sitting on his stump as Ilia ran around in a circle. 'That's getting so annoying!' Link thought angrily. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. "ILIA, STOOOPITT!" He grabbed her head, causing her body to spin around like a top. Suddenly, her neck snapped and she fell dead at his feet. "Oh shit!" He ran out of the village in a flash.

-----

Ilia was staring at Link's cookie jar lovingly. "Ooooh..." She drooled. "TOUCH MY COOKIES AND DIE!" Link shouted from behind her. Ilia ignored him and wolfed down the cookies. Link pulled out his sword and sliced off her head in a fluid motion.

-----

Ilia grabbed a mug of coffee and drank it. Suddenly, she began to shake violently. "COFFEE ISSH GOOOOD!" She squealed as she bounced around all over the place. "WOO-HOO!" She dove out of the window and landed on a rock, breaking her spine. "AAGGGAGAGH!" Ilia belched out blood as she thrashed around until she stopped moving.

-----

"My legs!" Link panicked. "I can't feel my legs!" He looked around for someone. "MEDIC!" He screamed as Ilia tossed around on his lap. "Linky-winky.." She murmured. Link grabbed a rock and began bashing her head in repeatedly.

TBC


	14. Death by God

I do not own Zelda.

Ilia was bouncing up and down. "Linky-linky-linky-linky-linky!" Link growled and held his head in his hands. "Oh, god, please! Have mercy!" He moaned to the heavens.

"I have answered your prayers, my son." A booming voice rang out. Suddenly, a giant hand grabbed Ilia and took her away. "LINKYYYY! HEEELP!" "Holy shit." Link widened his eyes and ran back to the house.

"PUT ME DOWN!" Ilia wailed as she was dangling over a fiery land of magma and brimstone. "My child, I have doomed thee to a life in Hell. Have fun." God dropped Ilia into Hell and she landed in a lake of fire.

"OOOOOOOOWWWW! IT'S HOT!" She shrieked as she tried to get out. "Slience, sinner!" Satan boomed. "You are my prisoner here!" The red guy laughed evilly.

10 minutes later....

"MAKE HER STOP!" Satan wailed as he covered his ears. "And I like pumpkins, cupcakes, monkeys, mice, cupcakes...." She rattled on. Satan couldn't take anymore and threw her into the deepest level of Hell. "HAVE FUN BEING FROZEN, BITCH!" He roared after her. Ilia screamed as she fell into the ice and froze into ice cubes.

Meanwhile, Link came out of the house and sighed. "Thank god that's over." "You're welcome, my son." "AAAAAAAAAAH!" Link ran back into the house and hid under the bed.

TBC


	15. Death by Athena

I do not own Legend of Zelda.

Ilia was walking along, going to visit her Linky, when suddenly, she saw a strange girl near him.

"Linky? Who is that?" She asked him as she stormed towards him. "Hey, Ilia. This is the goddess of wisdom, Athena." Link motioned towards a platinum blonde with blue eyes.

"Hello, Ilia. It is a pleasure to meet you." The Greek Godess bowed to her. "Let's get one thing straight, sister. Linky belongs to me and no one else. Got it?" Ilia glared at her.

Link facepalmmed as Athena looked at her curiously. "I do not understand." Ilia glared darkly at her. "I thought you were the goddess of wisdom, all-wise and all-knowing?" She mocked. "Too bad it's all crap!"

"Ilia, don't!" Link warned her, but to no avail. "You do not want to anger me, young one." Athena glared at her.

"Ooh, I'm shaking! What are you gonna do, sue me?" Ilia stuck out her tongue. "I have other ideas." Athena whistled and a flock of owls swarmed towards the dusty blonde.

"What the-" Was all the time Ilia had to say before the owls swooped down upon her and pecked her fiercely as she screamed in great pain.

Link stared in horror as the owls pecked out her eyes and ripped off chunks of flesh with their talons. Athena snapped her fingers as the owls flew away from the ravaged corpse of Ilia.

"Holy shit." Link gasped out. "I really do depise mortals that cannot respect the gods..." Athena sighed and turned to Link. "It was really fun to talking to you, Link."

"Same here." Link smiled at her. "I hope we meet again." Athena nodded and ascended to Olympus. Link walked back to his house and closed the door.

TBC..


	16. Death by the Decepticons

I do not own Legend of Zelda or Transformers.

Ilia was picking flowers and putting them in her hair. "Linky-poo will surely love me when I show up at his door in my finest!"

She giggled as she skipped down the road.

Suddenly, a black and violet jet zoomed down towards her. "What the hell?!" Ilia screamed in shock.

The jet kept heading towards her until it stopped and transformed into a big robot.

"Hey there, little squishy. You look so cute..." It smiled at her.

Ilia shrieked at the top of her lungs and ran like the wind. "Come back here, squishy pet!" the black robot ran after her. "STAY AWAY!!!!" Ilia ran until she tripped on a root and fell onto the ground.

The black and violet robot kept running until he heard a crunching sound. "What was- Oh no...." The robot looked down and saw blood seeping out. "I killed her..." The robot's optics began to water.

"Skywarp! Skywarp!" A scratchy male voice hissed out. "Where are you? Return to the base at once!" Skywarp sighed and looked down. "Understood." He changed back into his jet mode and flew off.

Link had watched the whole thing and came out from his hiding place. "That was one hell of an experience. I hope that thing never comes back." With that, he went off.

TBC.


	17. Death by Yoruichi

I do not own Zelda or Bleach.

Ilia was picking flowers from a nearby field. "Ooh, my linky-winky!" She cooed out.

"I'm gonna make love to him and have his babies and we'll grow old-"Suddenly, a black cat leapt on her lap and began rubbing against her groin.

"GET OUT OF THERE, YOU PERVERTED CAT!" Ilia grabbed the cat and hurled it into the lake. "Thank goodness." With that, Ilia set off to her house.

Later, Ilia was wearing a nightie and was holding a bouquet of flowers. "I hope Linky likes this..." She smiled and walked towards his house. "Going somewhere?" A female's voice rang out.

"Yeah, I'm going to linky's house." Ilia snorted as if the voice didn't know the answer. "I'm gonna ask him to marry me." "I don't think so." The voice's owner stepped out from the bushes to reveal a sexy, buxom, dark-skinned girl.

"Who are you, you whore?" Ilia glared. "I'm your maker," The girl sneered. "Shihouin Yoruichi." Yoruichi crept into a pose. "Ask not for whom the bell tolls," She went into a blur and flew past Ilia, reappearing behind her. "For it tolls for thee."

Ilia turned around, only to have her head fall off, as well her arms and legs. Yoruichi stood up. "That's for throwing me into that fucking lake." She spat on Ilia's corpse.

Link had been watching the whole thing from his house and his eyes was fixated on Yoruichi's bust. "Now that's what I call a femme fatale." He grinned as Yoruichi left the scene, shaking her hips sensuously.

TBC.


	18. Death by Godzilla

I do not own LoZ: Twilight Princess or Godzilla.

Ilia was clinging to her love, Link, who was very annoyed. "Linky~" She cooed into his ear. "What?" Link hissed out. "I was wondering if you'd take me out on a date?" Ilia nibbled on his ear.

Link wanted something so bad to happen to that annoying brat on his back. Suddenly, a loud stomping noise echoed throughout the forest. "What was that?" Link raised his head and saw a looming shadow north of him. "What's what, Linky-Poo?" Ilia asked.

Link couldn't answer, for a giant dinosaur erupted from the trees, its loud roar petrifying the people. "IT'S GODZILLA!!!" A random person cried. Everyone in the village ran like all get out as the King of All Monsters stomped his way through town. "RUN!" Link took off like the wind, leaving Ilia behind.

"Linky?" Ilia looked after him. "DON'T LEAVE MEEEEE!" Godzilla roared as it looked down towards the source of the noise. Ilia looked up towards Godzilla and glared. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!" Ilia rushed at the big beast and only managed to kick Godzilla's toe, because she was too small.

Godzilla just snorted and walked right past her. "YOU BIG BASTARD!" Ilia pulled out a potion and drunk it, making her the same size as the monster king. "RAWG!" Ilia tackled Godzilla from behind and bashed her fists onto his head. Godzilla roared in anger and flung her off his back and swiped his claws across her chest, leaving bloody gashes.

Ilia grabbed a tree and proceeded to shove it up his asshole. Godzilla grabbed Ilia and swung her around and tossed her across the village and into the field. Ilia hurled boulders at Godzilla, but they did nothing to slow him down. Godzilla took a big breath and spewed his Atomic Breath upon her, burning her skin. "AIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!" Ilia howled in pain as she fell.

Godzilla rushed towards her and brutally beat her to an inch of her life. Finally, he grabbed Ilia and sliced off her head, sending it flying into the blue sky. The King of All Monsters roared as he left Hyrule; his work was done.

Meanwhile, at Lake Hylia...

"I hear the fish are biting again." One fisherman remarked. "Yup." Another remarked. "I wish something would fall right out of the sky." A third fisherman sighed. Suddenly, Ilia's head dropped into the lake, scaring the shit out of the three fishermen. "HOLY SHIT!" they screamed, fear evident in their voices.

Ilia's head began smoking as it turned into foam. "The others are never gonna believe us," The first fisherman whispered. The other two nodded.

TBC.


	19. Death By Fire Emblem

I do not own Zelda: Twilight Princess. Nintendo does. Sorry about the wait. I was busy with stuff, but now I'm back and I can make more chapters. HOORAY! :D

Ilia was walking along in a field smiling to herself. "LALALALALA!" She sang with carefree ease. "Oh my Linky, oh my Linky, oh my DARLING LINKY-POO!"

Suddenly, an arrow fell from the sky and landed near her feet. "AAH!" She shrieked as she fell on her ass. "What the hell?"

Ilia got up and tried to run, but a large bandit carrying an axe stood in her way. "Hello, girlie!" He grinned evilly. "What's a sweet thing like you doing in a place like this?"

"None of your business!" Ilia snapped and tried to run off, but the bandit grabbed her. "Oh no, you ain't!" He sneered.

"LEMME GO!" Ilia shrieked right into his ear. "AGGH!" The bandit dropped her and she ran into the woods.

Before she could even go inside, a hand axe flew past her and her head fell to the ground. "Stupid bitch!" Snarled the bandit. Suddenly, he was skewered through by Marth's Falchion.

Meanwhile, Link was in town, on a date with Sheeda. "I have to go now," The Pegasus knight got up and left the café. "See ya!" Link waved after her.

"Man, that went better than I expected." Link smirked as he put the thought of Ilia out of his mind.

TBC.

Man, making 50 chapters of this is hard work. I'll post a chapter with Jason killing Ilia soon, though. :P


	20. Death by Freddy Kruger

I do not own Legend of Zelda nor Freddy Kruger.

Ilia was snoozing her butt off nearby a tree. "Linky..." she murmured as she tossed and turned all over. Suddenly, she woke up in a meadow. "Where am I?" She blinked and stood up. "Linky? Linky! LINKY-POO!" She cried out.

"Ilia! Over here!" Link waved at her happily. "LINKY!" Ilia tackle-glomped him. "Oh, Linky!" She nuzzled against his warm, muscular body.

"PSYCHE!" Roared a raspy voice. Ilia looked up to see the face of Freddy Kruger. "Hello, Baby!" He sneered down at her.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Ilia shrieked and ran away from him. She panted heavily as she dove inside a cave. "Oh god, help me!" She sobbed. "You rang?" Freddy burst from the wall and grabbed her; flexing his clawed fingers.

"NOOOO!" Ilia screamed as Freddy slammed his claw into her chest, blades piercing through her backside. Freddy howled in laughter as Ilia fell down dead.

Link was walking along the path from the forest, not noticing the bloody corpse of Ilia sprawled out under the tree. "Man, This is story is getting kinda slow lately." He sighed. "I hope the author better get some ideas for it soon." He headed back to his house.

TBC.

A/N: Hey there! Would you like to write the next chapter of "How to kill Ilia in 50 ways?" Just leave a PM and your idea of how Ilia should be killed off; I'll write it down. Later!


	21. Death by Jason Voorhees

I do not own Legend of Zelda. Nintendo owns it.

Ilia was sitting near a lake shore, whistling to herself. She looked up to the stars and sighed. "Oh, Linky-Poo, When will you love me?" Ilia smiled sadly.

Suddenly, there was a noise. "What was that?" She stood up and began backing away nervously. The noise grew louder and louder.

"WHO'S THERE?" Ilia screamed in fear.

Suddenly, a man wearing a hockey mask leapt out of the bushes, carrying a machete. He pointed it towards Ilia. "AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" The whiny bitch screamed as she tried to run.

But, unfortunately, the masked man was faster. He caught up with her and disemboweled all of her internal organs with one simple stroke of his blade.

Ilia gagged and gurgled as she tried to crawl her way to safety. The masked man swung his blade again and this time, Ilia's head rolled along the sandy shore and fell into the water.

With his foul deed done, the man ripped off his mask and licked his grotesque lips. He began to eat her organs, starting with her kidneys. He wiped his mouth clean and devoured her liver next.

Soon, the man placed his mask back on and walked towards Link. "Thanks, Jason!" He smiled. Jason grunted in response. "Oh, come on! You're a zombie! Zombies love to eat people!" Link frowned.

Jason facepalmed and walked off. "Wait… So Jason's not a zombie? Eww…" Link shuddered and went back home, his mind filled with dreadful thoughts.

TBC.


	22. Death by Jacob Black

I do not own Zelda. Nintendo owns it.

Ilia was standing in a wide, open field. "Where am I?" She looked around and saw people fighting giant wolves. "OOOOH! PRETTY DOGGIES! I'M GONNA GET ONE FOR MY LINKY!" She ran straight towards the field.

Jacob Black was busy fighting off some stray vampires that attacked a group of humans. 'Damn it!' he thought as one of them sank his fangs into his fur. He shook him off and flung him away.

Ilia was running at top speed. "DOGGY!" She screeched loudly.

Jacob braced himself and opened his maw and bit off Ilia's head, blood splurting out. Suddenly, Jacob felt a grim realization. 'That girl… she wasn't a vampire… SHE WAS HUMAN!' He spat out Ilia's head and roared in anguish as the vampires closed in…

Link was tied up in a chair with a gag around his mouth. "Oh, don't worry. We still got the novels to read…" A buxom black-haired girl giggled evilly as she began putting glitter on Link's face. 'THE HORROR!' Link screamed in his mind.

Tbc.


	23. Death by Mario

I do not own Zelda nor Mario. Nintendo owns them.

Ilia was walking through the trees. "OH, LINKY POO~" She sang.

She kept skipping through the forest until she found a turtle shell. "What the hell is this?" She picked it up and threw it away.

Suddenly, the turtle shell flew back towards Ilia and hit her in the groin, shattering her pelvis. "AAAAAARGH!" Ilia shrieked in agony.

She fell on top of a Spiny, the spikes piercing through her back. "GUH!" Ilia coughed up blood. A lakitu threw a Spiny on top of her and it landed its back onto her chest, killing her.

Ilia's body went into a spasm and stopped moving. She was dead.

Meanwhile, Link was watching this with a smile on his face. "Fucking A," He grinned as he took a sip of his Dr. Pepper.

TBC.


	24. Death by Killer Robot 2010

I do not own Zelda. It is owned by Nintendo. I do own the Killer Robot 2010.

Ilia was singing in the meadows, the flowers had retreated back into the underground. "LIIIIINKYYYYYY!" She shrieked loudly.

Meanwhile, a robot was lurking around in the forest, looking for its prey. "Target: Searching….Searching…"

"OH, MY LIIIINNKY POOOO!" Ilia screamed at the top of her lungs as she danced around. The robot craned its head towards the source of the noise.

"Target: Detected." The robot aimed its laser cannon at Ilia's head. "I LOVE YOU, LINKY-POO! YOU'RE SO CUTEEEEE! I LOVE YOU FOREVER-"

BLAM!

Ilia's headless body fell down in the flowers as the robot turned around and left the scene. Link chuckled evilly as he held the remote control in his hands.

"I knew it was a good idea to get that Killer Robot 2010." Link said to himself with an evil smile.


	25. Death by CWC

I do not own Zelda or Sonichu. They are both owned by CWC and Nintendo.

"LINKYYYYYY!" Ilia screamed as she walked around the city square. "WHERE ARE YOU?" She stomped her foot.

Meanwhile, Sonichu was once again fighting evil. "GIVE IT UP, MARY!" He roared. "Never, Sonichu! I will conquer this pathetic shithole of a town!" Mary Lee Walsh cackled evilly.

"Then you leave me no choice! SUPER SPARKLE ATTACK!" Sonichu shot out a ball of light and it hit Ilia by accident.

"OWWWW!" Ilia cried out as she fell to the ground, unconscious.

Ilia awoke inside a beautiful, lavishing room. She got up and saw that she was only wearing nothing but her shoes. "WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?"

"Welcome to my parlor, my dear." A fat man wearing a medallion and a red and blue striped shirt stood up and looked at her. "I am Christian Weston Chandler, the mayor of CWCville. I trust that you have no boyfriend?"

"I DO HAVE A BOYFRIEND! HIS NAME IS LINK AND HE WILL KILL YOU IF I'M NOT BACK AT HIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW!" Ilia glared darkly at him.

"I don't think you have a boyfriend. Which is great! MY LOVE QUEST IS FINALLY OVER!" Christian shouted in joy. "You're my first china, so I'll take it easy on you."

"I'm not a-" Ilia stopped, only to see Chris undressing himself and stand there in his naked horror. "AAAAAH! PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON! I'M GOING BLIND!"

Chris roared as he jumped on the bed, body-slamming Ilia. "My daughter will be born at last! NO ONE WILL STOP ME NOW!" He smiled as he began to press his manhood against Ilia's love tunnel.

"NOOOOOOO! STOP IT! LINKY, HELP ME!" Ilia pounded on Chris, but to no avail. "But first, I shall clean my lady's vagina!" Chris bent over and began to slobber all over Ilia's lower regions.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Ilia screamed as she began to feel nauseous. "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Ilia bit off her tongue so hard that her blood flew out like a jet and she began to slowly die…

"Aah, I'm finished…" Chris smiled and looked at Ilia. "And now I will commence with the love making." He then started to make love with Ilia's corpse, grunting and moaning…

Link turned off the tv and shuddered. "Not even Ilia deserved that…" He sighed and walked towards the bathroom, to clean himself of the filth that he witnessed.

TBC.


	26. Death by Tonberry

I do not own Zelda or Final Fantasy XI. They are owned by Square-Enix and Nintendo.

"Ok, Ilia. I want you to listen to me carefully." Link explained to Ilia. Link was an elvaan Paladin, while Ilia was a hume White Mage. "I want you to go into that cave and get whatever's inside, ok?"

"Ok, Linky-winky!" Ilia winked at him and ran towards the cave.

Zelda, who was an elvaan Red Mage, frowned at Link. "Why did you send her in there? You know that cave is full of-" Zelda's eyes widened in realization. "I see what you did there…"

"Yup. Ilia is gonna have a hell of a time. Let's get going on that quest, shall we?" Link offered Zelda's arm as they walked away from the mouth of the cave.

Ilia skipped along the cave as she hummed some stupid melody of hers. "Linky's gonna be so proud of me~" She sang, hopping with each step.

Suddenly, a robed figure with a knife stepped in front of her. Ilia nearly tripped over herself and glared at the small figure. "HEY! YOU LITTLE TURD! YOU ALMOST KILLED ME!"

The figure glared at her and raised its knife menacingly. "DON'T YOU WAVE THAT LITTLE THING AT ME, MISTER!" Ilia stomped towards it. "I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A THRASHING!"

Ilia raised her staff to strike down the figure, but it was too fast for her to even land a hit. Suddenly, Ilia felt something warm on her stomach. She looked down to see that she had been stabbed.

"You… You little shiiii-" She fell down dead as the Tonberry snorted and walked away from her corpse. And no one ever found her for a long time.

TBC.


	27. Death by Tentacle Rape

I do not own Zelda. Nintendo owns it.

It was a starless night. The winds are blowing softly as the moon shone on the land. It was an omen, but of what was unknown.

Ilia tried once again to move her hands, to twist them free of the rope looped around her wrists, and failed. As old and worn as they were, the ropes never failed, never lost their unnatural strength no matter what. Wrapped around her naked body, they were completely sturdy.

"You always look so pretty all tied up like that, Ilia." The voice of the dark sorceress was its normal sultry and seductive tone, but there was a deeper and more sinister growling of a voice beneath it, like an animal lurking in the darkness. Veran was in a bad mood, and Ilia already knew why.

She had went acting around like her stupid self, demanding that Veran release her "Linky-Winky" and going around destroying her prized flowers. She then proceeded to call her an old, ugly crone that deserved to die lonely.

At an unspoken command, the ropes tightened once again. Ilia bit her tongue as her body was slowly crushed within the inescapable embrace, her limbs soon going numb from the unforgiving tightness. They forced her body into whatever posture Veran wished, as always, forcing her to arch her back and thrust her juvenile bosom to the cold stone ceiling of the dungeon. Her limbs were dragged taught around her, spreading her into a most undignified star shape, and then Ilia had to bite the end of her tongue off to keep from screaming as her joints were forced backwards, grinding audibly.

"Oh, what, bloody already dear?" Veran sounded pleased with herself. She laughed at the idiot girl, who was crying silently in pain. "If you can't even hold your tongue for this, I doubt you're going to like where we're going next."

Again the ropes tightened, again, Ilia's teeth sank into her tongue. Her body could move only so far as the blue skinned witch allowed, not an inch of give in the ropes strangling her entire being, squeezing herself into a suffocating packet of tortured flesh. She couldn't scream. She couldn't give the sadistic crone the excuse she was waiting for. As the rope around her neck squeezed the breath from her, Ilia feared, just for a second, that she might actually die...

"Stop! Please, no more…"

Ilia's bindings disappeared into the ether from whence they had been summoned. Her exquisite figure fell to the cold stone floor with a hefty thud, coughing and gasping for breath she knew, at least the rational part of her knew, she didn't need.

Falling to her hands and knees before the sorceress, Ilia's body trembled as the angry red marks left by her previous bondage quickly faded into invisibility on her milky skin.

Then something hot and slippery was very suddenly upon the poor girl, sneaking across her hands and along each of her forearms. Hot, wet, spongy flesh grasped her in an inescapable grip, and her arms were no longer supporting her weight, but above her, twisted painfully behind her back and hoisted into the air.

She scrambled to stand as the tentacles, or whatever they were, lifted her upper body into the air, not stopping until she was balanced on her toes, bent uncomfortably in half. The sensation was utterly disgusting, thick globs of hot glue-like sludge exuded from the fleshy appendages wound unfailingly around her forearms, trickling slowly along her arms and dripping onto her nude back.

"You're all wet, my lovely," the sorceress sang in her sadistic mirth, and slowly she surrounded her prey like a hungry beast.

Ilia tried for a moment to close her legs. The cold air wafting between them, playing over the utterly nude mound of her soaking wet womanhood, was almost as bad as the tongues on her arms. But of course, as soon as her feet moved but an inch, she was struck about the rear end by another of those disgusting slimy limbs.

With the teenage farm hand's dulcet wailing reverberating in her ears, Veran enjoyed the sight of Ilia's petite buttocks and her perfectly slender thighs trembling from the unexpected strike of that lone tentacle. Putting the young brat in her place had never failed to be most enjoyable.

"Now, child. Are you going to apologize for what you did?" Veran smiled a sadistic smile. "Or are you going to suffer for your idiocy?"

Ilia failed to answer. She knew what she had done, and now she knew just how badly it had offended that blue-skinned witch, and she knew full well that nothing could save her from her wrath. She tried to shift her feet just a little closer together, to block out that annoying draft between her thighs, and was caught for a second time by the vicious lash of a tendril across her backside.

The tendril struck Ilia's unprotected bottom once again, and again, bringing a desperate sob from the village maiden's lips each time.

"You make me sick. You come over here, claiming that I had stolen that infernal green-hatted boyfriend of yours, which I had NOT. For that, you WILL pay." Veran glared darkly at Ilia.

A cold sweat covered Ilia's pale skin from the top of her head to the ends of her toes, even dripping slowly from the peak of her breasts as they hung beneath her. The hot sludge continued to drip down her arms and splash across her naked, painfully twisted shoulders.

"Do you understand now that the situation that you are in, child?"

"No! Let me go!" Ilia immediately regretted what she said.

"SILENCE!"

Ilia screamed as a whip of wet flesh hotter than the sun raced across her skin, crossing her diagonally from the crest of her right hip up towards her left breast. Her flesh blistered and seared and split in an instant from the unnatural nature of that unforgiving lash, showering her nakedness in a fine burst of red.

Her muscles, unreal as they were, still threw her forward in her bonds with a frightening power, but the sticky bonds on her arms remained unfaltering. In the end, she could only squirm and yell and make her boobs bounce around a bit, which Veran seemed to be appreciating if nothing else.

The lash came again, bursting Ilia's pure, creamy flesh almost without effort, leaving the village maiden with a weeping, bloodied cross mark scored upon the skin of her back. For many minutes, she shook herself violently in her bonds, howling at the dark room in unspeakable agony.

"You can stay there, for all I care. Have fun playing with your new friends." Veran spat at her. "I hope you suffer until your body breaks and your soul descends to Hell."

She left, leaving Ilia to her doom.

The squirming, writhing, unstoppable swarm of tentacles drove themselves with feverish enthusiasm into the space between Ilia's thighs. They attacked her in her most vulnerable area, hot, humid, slimy flesh lashing the so very sensitive folds of her soaking womanhood without mercy, and Ilia was convulsing in an orgasm so powerful, that it blinded her for a moment.

Ilia's nubile body thrashed uncontrollably in its bonds as a thousand tentacle-like tongues set to work on her exposed skin, her lurid cries for mercy quickly degenerating into complete incoherence.

As if sensing her mood, one of the foul slimy things decided to wind itself in a messy ring around the base of her right breast and slowly closed the loop. Another quickly followed suit, and soon Ilia's breasts felt like they might burst at any moment, straining and bulging obscenely from her body and jiggling wildly as the tentacles had their way with her.

Every inch of her screamed in torment and pain. Her skin felt afire under the smothering touch of a score of tentacles, sending waves of torturous agony pulsating through her body. The ripe and blood-swollen folds of her still drenched pussy were wickedly split, splayed apart by the probing tips of a dozen tongues, folded wide to reveal the tender pinkness within. Ilia felt herself gape open, her inner passage gasping like a stranded fish, and promptly stuffed to capacity with the searing flesh of more tentacles than she could count. It felt as if they were already tearing her body to pieces, and boiling her skin from her bones with their touch. Nothing had ever hurt so much in all her life.

Then they found her other entrance, and Ilia shrieked herself raw when a ravenous pack of the horrid things pushed themselves into her unprotected back door, crowding into her guts like hungry scavengers. Too much flesh inside her, too deep, too fast.

Her stomach felt as though it would burst from the strain. She was being utterly, thoroughly fucked by more appendages than she cared to number, had she any sense left in her head to do so. Her young, teenage body bounced and rocked in her bonds as the things had their way with it. As they stroked every bit of her naked flesh, and lashed her quivering body from head to toe leaving angry red stains on her perfect skin, and fought over each other to take turns in each of her holes even as they grew slack around the ever increasing masses of invading tongue flesh. Ilia felt them squirming around inside, in places nothing had ever touched, and felt sick in a way that was far beyond physical.

At first, she tried to withstand, to endure, and to outlast the vile torment of her flesh. She counted every single tentacle that entered her body, even as their numbers continued to swell exponentially. She counted the mind-shattering, repulsive orgasms that had been battered into her, screaming till her voice strained and she vomited air, as she had already vomited out her lunch and some blood as well. She counted the minutes, and then the hours. But, in time, she lost count. And then she stopped counting at all.

After a time that could have been days, or years, or forever, Ilia let go of herself completely. She could no longer think nor talk sensibly. They never stopped, never paused, never even slowed down, not for a second. She had been trapped in this casing of slime-covered flesh for nearly an eternity, raped without end in every way she could have ever imagined, violated in an unspeakable manner. The tentacles mapped every single inch of her, inside and out, in their quest to reach her ultimate depths. They ripped, tore, burst, breached every organ in her body. She was nearly dead, her insides scrambled to a fine paste, her belly split open, and her eyes hanging out from her sockets.

Her childish body trembled as she was impaled end to end, the hot meat of an impossible tongue passing from anus to mouth, its end flailing and thrashing madly and slapping her face as it raped her. The tentacles broke her over and over, body and mind, penetrating the deepest corners of her womb and forcing her ovaries from her ripped belly as they were burst from within. They reached into her head and minced her brain. They found countless new and interesting ways of destroying her perky, well-rounded breasts, from popping the ripe swells of flesh through sheer pressure, to simply ripping them from her body, or lashing them till they burst. They turned her inside-out and fucked everything they could find.

Finally, the tentacles ripped her apart, piece by piece and discarded them out of the window. Only Ilia's head remained, her eyes gone, her hair covered in ooze, and her mouth was dripping out blood.

Veran walked in and grabbed the head. "Well, at least I have something to relieve myself with whenever someone's using my bathroom." She laughed evilly as she left the room.

Tbc.


	28. Death by Guillotine

I do not own Zelda. Nintendo owns it and its sequels.

Ilia was running around in a museum, looking for our hapless hero, Link. "LLLIIIINKKKY POOO!"

She ran through the Egyptian section, the Greek section, and the Roman Section. And Link was not in any one of them.

"Darn it! WHERE ARE YOU, LINKY?" Ilia screamed. "What the fuck is a Linky?" A boy asked. Ilia growled and kicked him in the stomach, causing the poor kid to sob in pain and curl up into a ball.

"Now, to find my Linky!" Ilia skipped away towards the French Revolution section. She stopped near the statue of Marie Antoinette.

"Linky? Where are you? Are you over there?" Ilia looked around, searching under old furniture and large chests.

She then stopped near a guillotine. "Are you in here?" She placed her neck on the slot of the reception lock and looked inside the basket. Then suddenly, the blade came falling down quickly and chopped off her head.

"Linky-" Was all she said before the blade cut off her head. Ilia's body went into a violent spasm as it fell down, her legs in the air.

Link stepped out of the curtains and laughed evilly. "Dumb bitch." He grinned as he walked away from the bloody scene.

TBC.


	29. Death by an earthquake

I do not own Zelda or Final Fantasy 3. They are owned by Nintendo and Square-Enix.

Ilia, Zelda, Link, and Midna were travelling from the Floating Continent to the surface world. They had just received their jobs from the Wind and Fire crystals.

Then they approached a sunken ship with the priestess of water, Eila, on it. Eila begged them to take her to the water temple, which they agreed on.

And now, the party was escorting Eila to the crystal room.

Zelda, a White Mage, was busy healing the party. "This is the crystal room, where the Water Crystal resides," Eila explained.

Link, a Knight, and Midna, a Black Mage walked behind her as Eila opened the door and they went in.

"Ooh! Pretty crystal!" Ilia, a Scholar, shouted in joy. Eila began to use her powers to make the crystal whole again. "I did it… Thanks to you, Link." She smiled at Link.

"HEY! You keep your hands off of-" Suddenly, an arrow flew out of nowhere and struck Eila in the chest. "HOORAY! SHE'S DEAD!"

The party turned around and saw Kraken laugh evilly. "Damn, I missed. My target was supposed to be you, but I'll just have to kill you myself."

Link and the gang charged forward and battled him fiercely until he was dead.

Then Link rushed towards the fallen priestess with tears in his eyes. "Eila…"

"HEEY!" Ilia protested, as Zelda and Midna glared at her.

Eila smiled and told him that she was dying and gave the jobs to the party. Link sobbed deeply as she passed away.

"ELIAAAAA!" He cried out in sorrow.

Suddenly, an earthquake shook the room.

"An earthquake, RUN!" Midna screamed.

"No! We can't leave Eila here!" Link shouted.

"Something's falling!" Zelda shouted.

"AAAAAH-" Ilia was crushed by a large rock from the ceiling.

Soon, the trio found themselves in a town, and Ilia was buried under the rubble, never to be found.

Tbc.


	30. Death by fireworks

I do not own Zelda. Nintendo owns it. And we've reached chapter 30! Only 20 more to go! HUZZAH!

Ilia was carrying a bunch of fireworks in her arms. "Linky is gonna be happy for me when I bring him these fireworks!"

She plopped the fireworks into a large pile and ran off to get a torch and a bomb. Link walked by and noticed the fireworks. "What the hell is this?" He bent over and looked at the rockets, the firecrackers, the roman candles.

"It's missing something… AH HA!" Link pulled a Bombchu and set it up. It flew from his hands and sped off. "Oh, well!" Link shrugged and walked off.

Ilia returned with the bomb in her hands and placed it on top of her fireworks pile. "There! Now to light this baby up!"

Suddenly, the bombchu ran straight into the fireworks and exploded, causing them to fly upwards and some of them launched straight towards Ilia, sending her flying backwards.

"GUH! ACK! GLARK!" Ilia screamed in pain as everything blew up on her. She clawed at her throat as the bomb fell upon her body and blew up, killing her.

Link saw the whole thing and grimaced. "Holy shit," He shuddered and walked away quickly. "Stupid bitch."

TBC.


	31. Death by Yuuka Kazami

I do not own Zelda nor Touhou. Zun and Nintendo own them.

"Linky~" Ilia sang as she skipped through the forest. She had decided to get her Linky some flowers. "I'm going to get some flowers for Linky~"

Suddenly, she spotted some sunflowers growing near a field. "OOOH!" Ilia ran towards the sunflower patch and began to pick some sunflowers.

"_What are you doing?_" a cold, feminine voice spoke behind her. "I'm picking these flowers, duh!" Ilia snorted.

She turned around to see a short, green-haired woman with red eyes. "Do you know who do these 'flowers' belong to?"

"They're for Linky, DUH!" Ilia rolled her eyes. Was this woman stupid or something?

The woman twirled her parasol as she glared darkly at her. "NO. They're _mine_." She pointed her umbrella at Ilia's head.

"What are you-" Ilia didn't have a chance to speak before a bright light emerged from the woman's umbrella.

"MASTER SPARK!" The powerful beam blasted Ilia across the field, destroying some sunflowers in the progress.

"_Now look what you made me do!"_ Ilia tried to stand up, but she was knocked back down by the green-haired woman. She raised her parasol and smashed Ilia in the head, over and over again.

By the time she was finished, Ilia was covered in her own blood, dead. The woman stood up with a wicked smile on her face.

"Serves her right. No one humiliates Yuuka Kazami." With that, Yuuka went back to tending her flowers.

TBC.


	32. Death by Leatherface

I do not own Zelda, Touhou, nor Leatherface. They are owned by their respective creators.

"LINKY!" Ilia chased our hapless hero through the meadow. "COME BACK!"

"SOMEONE HELP ME!" Link screamed in fear. Suddenly, a gap filled with eyes opened up in front of him and sucked him in.

"LINKKKK-" Ilia stopped and looked around. "Linky? LINKY? WHERE ARE YOU?" Another gap then opened up under Ilia and she fell in.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Ilia screamed as she fell on a dirt road as the gap closed. "Owww…" She moaned as she brushed herself off.

"Linky? Where are you?" Ilia blinked as she looked at a guy waving his chainsaw in the air. "HEY, YOU!" Ilia screamed at him. The masked man stared at Ilia as she stomped towards him.

"I'm talking to you, you freak! Where's my Linky?" Ilia put her hands on her hips. "Answer me, you-"

SPLAT!

Ilia head fell to the ground as the masked man began to rip apart her corpse with his chainsaw.

Meanwhile, Yukari Yakumo was watching this scene with a smile on her face. "I say, this is funny." She spoke in a faux-British accent.

"Yeah. At least Ilia won't bug me about her lovey-dovey crap." Link grinned as he sipped some Darjeeling from his cup. "Where did you say you got this tea from, again?"

"India, my dear boy." Yukari waved her dismissively as she continued to watch Leatherface's work on Ilia.

TBC.


	33. Death By Goblins

I do not own Final Fantasy and Zelda. Square-Enix and Nintendo own them.

Link, a Fighter, was walking towards Corneila along with Zelda, a White Mage, Midna, a Black Mage, and Ilia, a Red Mage.

"Linky, I'm borrrred!" Ilia whined. "I wanna go back to Hyrule!"

Zelda and Midna rolled their eyes. Why did they even take Ilia along with them in the first place?

"We're almost there," Link reminded her.

Suddenly, a group of goblins appeared from out of nowhere. "Oh, shit!" Midna swore.

"RUN!" Link shouted. Zelda and Midna had managed to escape from the goblins, but Ilia didn't.

"HEY, YOU UGLY LITTLE BASTARDS!" Ilia thwacked one of them with a stick, angering it. "YOU LEAVE MY LINKY ALONE!"

The other three dog-plied her and beat her to death as the trio entered the town.

Ilia's body was carried away by the goblins to be eaten at their feast tonight.


	34. Death By Emonga

I do not own Zelda nor Pokemon. They are both owned by Nintendo.

Ilia was looking around the big, bright shiny place. "Oooh!" She giggled. "I wonder if I can have one of these blinking thingies!"

She skipped around the place as she saw a sexy, blonde girl with headphones on her ears. "Hey! Can I have one of those things on your head?"

"What, my headphones?" The blonde blinked.

"Well, DUH!" Ilia snorted. She then spotted an Emonga sitting on her shoulder. "OOOH! It's so cute! Can I have it?"

"What? No! He's my pokemon!"

"GIVE IT TO ME!" Ilia screamed as she ran towards the blonde. "I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT!"

Emonga screeched and flew towards Ilia and clung to her face, zapping her. "AAAAAGGGHHHH!" Ilia's body went into a spasm.

The blonde watched in horror as Ilia danced around in a hilarious way. "Emonga, return!" The blonde recalled the pokemon into her poke ball.

Ilia fell to the ground, dead as a doornail. "Oh, crap. I gotta call someone." Kamitsure ran to her office as the charred corpse of Ilia lay there, smoking.


	35. Death By Da Orks

_Before I start on this chapter, I want to tell you guys something. When I first started this fic, I thought it would be fun to make fun of a character that everyone doesn't like._

_I also want to apologize about the crappy quality of the chapters I wrote, I didn't put enough heart into them. I shoud've made them better than that. I promise you, this chapter will make up for those other chapters that lack humiliation and gore._

I do not own The Legend of Zelda nor do I own Warhammer 40k. They are owned by Nintendo and Games Workshop.

Ilia was sitting over a cilff, pining for her beloved Link. "Oh, my darling." Ilia sighed. "When will you come back? I want to have my babies! And we'll be a happy family!"

Suddenly, she spotted a little green man, carrying a large wrench. "WAAAAAAAGGHH!" It roared.

"What is that?" Ilia blinked. She ran downwards the slope and hid near the bushes to examine the creature more closely.

"C'mon, boyz! We ain't got all night!" We got'a show 'dose 'oomies who's da boss around 'dese parts!" It squawked, apparently in the third person, since there weren't any greenskins to be seen.

Ilia gasped. He was after her Linky. Who knew what horrid things he would to do him.

"NO!" Ilia screamed, brandishing a stick. "I WON'T LET YOU HURT LINKY!"

"Wut's 'dis? A oomie gurl! An' she got'a stick! WARRRRHAAARR!" The greenskin laughed. "She wan's to figh't! Let's give 'er one!"

The greenskin swung his wrench and smashed her in the head. "Take 'dat!"

Ilia cried out in pain as blood covered her eyes, dimming her vision. "You fucking little SHIT!" She roared and stabbed the stick into its gut.

The greenskin chortled and grabbed the stick and snapped it in two. "Dat didn't even hurt!" He grabbed Ilia and turned her around. "Let me intro'duce ya to my shoota'."

Ilia thrashed violently as the greenskin pulled out his large gun and proceeded to aim his gun barrel at her derriere.

"Let's see wut happins if I put 'dis in your arse!" The greenskin cackled as he inserted the barrel into Ilia's private, foul entrance to her bowels. Ilia screamed as the cold, hard barrel of the gun burrowed itself into her dark recesses.

"DAKKA TIME!" The green man roared as he pressed the trigger of the gun, releasing the bullets that were inside. Ilia screamed as the bullets entered her back door, tearing through her rectum and going out through her abdomen, ripping apart her intestines.

Blood exited her mouth as Ilia's eyes widened in horror, knowing the fact that she was already dead. The greenskin laughed and laughed as he kept firing until the gun was empty.

"Dam! I got'a reload me gun! At leas't that oomie gurl ain't gon'a bother me and 'da boyz. WAAAAAGH!" The greenskin ran off to his now-visible gang, leaving Ilia's bloody and bullet-ridden corpse behind.

The Orks had taken another human life, but in this case, it was necessary


	36. Death by Barney

I do not own Zelda or Barney. They are owned by their respective companies.

Ilia walked through a meadow. "LINKYYY~" She sang. "Where are you?" The village beauty grunted as she trudged through the scattered toys on the playground.

"Stupid little brats!" She screamed. Ilia kicked a ball, sending it flying to a child's face. "WAAAAH! SHE HIT MEEEE!"

"SHUT UP!" Ilia barked at him. Suddenly, Barney appeared out of nowhere and frowned at Ilia. "Hoo Hoo Hoo! Don't you know it's not nice to hurt people, young lady?"

"I don't care! He shouldn't have gotten in my way!" Ilia shrieked.

"Ooh, I think we have to teach you a lesson, young lady." Barney giggled. "Let's sing a song!"

"I love you, you love me-"

"NO, I DON'T!"

"We're a happy family…"

Ilia let out a growl as she grasped hairs at her head.

"With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me too?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Ilia shrieked, finally snapped. "I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

Ilia dove at Barney, ready to punch his lights out, but he stepped to the side and Ilia crashed into the brick wall instead, crushing her head in, killing her.

"Oh dear. That's what happens to people that don't listen," Barney giggled as the kids cheered for Ilia's death.

TBC.


	37. Death by Ares

I do not own Zelda or Greek Mythology. Zelda belongs to Nintendo.

Link was sitting on a tree trunk, polishing his sword in pride. He held his blade in the air, admiring his handiwork.

Suddenly, a loud scream pierced the air. "LINKYYYYYYYY!"

"Oh, god." Link muttered.

"Hey, Linky!" Ilia glomped him happily.

"Ilia, go away!" Link shouted, annoyed. His day was going just perfect until she arrived. Ilia always managed to ruin things.

"But I wanna spend the day with youuuuuuuuuuuu…" Ilia whined.

Link grit his teeth. He was tempted to use his sword on her, but that would ruin his new polish job. Just then, he got an idea that made him smile…

"Oh, Ilia?" Link asked. "Do you want to go to Mt. Olympus?"

"DO I?"

Minutes later, Link and Ilia were standing near the doorway of the main temple. "There's Aphrodite's room right there," Link lied as he stepped back. "Have fun!" He took off running.

"Oh, that silly Link." Ilia grinned. "I hope this Aphrodite helps me with getting my Linky into my arms!"

If Ilia learned how to read Ancient Greek, she would've noticed the sign above her said, "Ares' chamber".

Ilia skipped inside the room, ignoring the lines of swords, spears, and shields. "Oh, Aphrodite~" She shouted. "Come out, come out, wherever you are~"

Suddenly, a long spear pierced through her chest. "URGK!"

Ilia's arms and legs flopped around wildly as she entered into a dying spasm. "AAARGHAH!" She gagged out her last words as she died.

Ares strode towards the corpse and pulled out his spear. "Typical. Those training dummies Hephaestus made are fucking shoddy." He then headed back to the war room to fight more dummies.

TBC.


	38. Death by Artemis

I do not own Zelda or Greek Mythology. Nintendo owns Zelda, Greek Mythology is owned by the Greeks.

Ilia found herself in a very dark forest. "Where am I?" She cried out. No one answered her expect her own echo.

"LINKY?" She shrieked.

"_LINKY?_" the echo called back.

"Who's there?" Ilia shouted.

"_Who's there?_" The echo answered.

"I ASKED YOU FIRST, BITCH!"

"_I ASKED YOU FIRST, BITCH!_"

Ilia seethed in anger. "YOU STUPID CUNT BAG!"

"_YOU STUPID CUNT BAG!_"

Ilia finally snapped as she let out a scream and ran towards the source of the insulting voice. "AAAAARGH!" She dove at an undressing figure near a pond and tackled her.

"I GOT YOU NOW, BITCH! DIE!" Ilia punched the figure in the head repeatedly and kneed it in the backside.

The figure fell into the water, much to Ilia's delight. "HA! I GOT YOU NOW…" Ilia's voice died off as she recognized the figure.

Artemis glared down at the hapless farm brat as she clenched her fists, her body covered in pond scum, her wet, long hair covering her breasts.

"Um… oops?" Ilia let out a feeble reply.

Artemis grabbed her bow and arrow and shot Ilia in the head, sending her crashing down into the ground. "Arrogant little shit." She spat and started to wipe off the scum off of her sculpted, muscular body.

TBC.


	39. Death By Odin

I do not own Zelda nor Norse Mythology. They are both owned by their respective people.

Ilia was sitting on a rock, plucking off flower petals. "He loves me, he loves me not…" She hummed to herself.

The village girl smiled to herself as she ended up with the last petal. "He loves me-"

BOOM!

A loud explosion sent her flying off the rock and into the mud with a plop. Ilia stood up in anger, gnashing her teeth.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" She roared as she stomped towards the source of the explosion.

She saw an eight-legged horse carrying a large man with two ravens on his shoulder. The man had only one eye and had a large helmet on his head.

"Who the fuck are you, you stupid old man?" Ilia screamed at him. "YOU ALMOST KILLED ME!"

"I am the mighty Odin," the old man boomed. "The leader of the gods of Asgard."

"I DON'T CARE! YOU CAN GO BACK TO YOUR STUPID ASGARD AND SUCK IT!" Ilia screeched.

Odin frowned darkly and grabbed his spear. "What did you just say?"

"I SAID, YOU CAN GO BACK TO YOUR STUPID ASGARD-"

SPLUT!

Ilia was cut in half by Gungnir, her organs slumping out from her halves and blood forming a pool around her.

"Insolent child." Odin then ascended back to the heavens once again, in search for Asgard.

TBC.


	40. Death by Thor

I do not own Zelda nor Norse Mythology.

"COME BACK, LINKY!"

Ilia chased our hero around the forest, intent on glomping him. "LINKYYYY!"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" Link wailed in despair.

"COME HERE!"

"SOMEONE HELP ME!"

Suddenly, a thunderbolt struck the ground in front of Ilia. "ACK!" she cried out. "WHAT THE HELL?" The village beauty screamed out in anger.

The light faded away to reveal a large, brawny man with red hair. He held a large hammer in his hand and he glared at Ilia.

"Who are you, buddy?" Ilia glared back. "HUH? _ANSWER ME, DIPSHIT_!"

"**I AM THE MIGHTY GOD OF THUNDER, THOR!**" The man roared. "**AND I HAVE COME TO RIGHT A WRONG THAT NEEDS TO BE ANSWERED**!"

With that, Thor raised his hammer and smashed Ilia into a million bloody pieces as Link yelped in fear and hid in a hollow tree.

"The deed is done," Thor snorted and wiped the gore of his hammer with his cape. "Now, I go."

Link poked his head out of the tree as Thor vanished within the flash of lightning. "See ya, Thor!" He waved at the fleeting thundercloud. "Thanks a bunch!"

TBC.


	41. Death by Shinkenger

I do not own Zelda or Shinkenger. They are both owned by Nintendo and Toei.

Ilia sat nearby a river and began to pick some flowers. "Oh, Linky, How I long I must wait for you to love me back~"

Suddenly, a giant claw grabbed Ilia and dragged her into the red portal. "AAAH! HELP MEEE!" The portal vanished in a poof.

Ilia opened her eyes to see a large ship floating in red water. "What's going on?" She screamed loudly. Her screams awoke the sleeping Nanashi, who erupted from the earth, swords drawn at the ready.

Ilia stopped and looked at them. "AAAAAAAAAH! LINKY, HELP MEE!" The Nanashi ran at her, swords raised, and hacked her to bloody pieces.

Ilia's head was thrown into the river and it floated down to parts unknown…

Doukoku gulped down some more sake as he tossed the dish near a pile of junk. "That red sake felt good…" He growled and slammed his sword, wanting seconds.

TBC.


	42. Death by the Egyptian Quartet

I do not own Zelda or Egyptian Mythology. The first one is owned by Nintendo.

"LINKYYY~" Ilia sang as she walked down the long tunnel that she saw Link run into. "WHERE ARE YOU?"

She was so busy looking for Link that she didn't notice a hole in front of her. "LINK-AAAAAAAAAAHHH!" She screamed as she fell into the hole and landed in some water.

"AAACK!" Ilia spat out the water in her mouth and looked around. "Where am I?" She blinked and saw someone rowing a boat. "Wait for me!" She swam after the boat, hoping to catch a ride.

Soon, Ilia reached land and climbed up the docks, then headed for the large temple. She looked around and saw a dog-headed man, a bird-headed man, a beautiful woman, and a dried-up husk of a man.

"Who the fuck are you people?" Ilia shouted at them. "Where the hell am I?"

"Thoth, can you judge this lost soul?" Osiris asked.

"I can, my lord." Thoth grabbed a weight and placed it on the scales. "The scales say that she is guilty, my lord."

"Anubis?" Isis asked.

"At once, My lady!" Anubis boomed.

Suddenly, Ilia was covered in bandages and was kicked into a sarcophagus. Then Anubis pushed it into the burning flames of hell. "AAAAAAAAAH!" Ilia screamed from the inside as the heat began to boil her from the inside.

"HEEEELP MEEEEH!" Ilia tried to scream, but the heat had nearly burned her vocal cords and she couldn't speak properly. Then her skin started to burn up and her brain was literally being cooked.

By the time the sarcophagus reached the bottom, Ilia was already dead and well cooked. This was the fate of the damned and the idiotic.

TBC.


	43. Death by Kamen Rider Double

I do not own Zelda or Kamen Rider Double. They are both owned by Nintendo and Toei.

Ilia ran from the monster that was chasing her. "HELP MEEEEE!" She screamed in fear. She didn't want to die without seeing her Linky again.

Suddenly, a green and black figure stood on top of a building. "Hold it right there, Dopant!" It shouted in two voices.

Ilia stared at the figure curiously. One half was green, the other half was black. "What the hell are you?"

"Now, count up your sins!" The figure jumped from the building and kicked the monster in the face. Ilia screamed in shock as the monster nearly crashed into her.

"YOU DAMN-" Suddenly, one of the support beams fell onto the monster and her, crushing Ilia in the process. The monster erupted from the rubble and charged at Double.

"You never learn, dopant!" Double placed his Joker memory into a slot and glew with a bright light. "JOKER, MAXIMUM DRIVE!" The belt roared.

Then Double split in half and kicked the monster into oblivion. A USB memory popped out from the monster and snapped in two.

"Case closed." Double stood under the sun, triumphant.

TBC.


	44. Death by the Emperor of Hell

I do not own Zelda or Final Fantasy 2. They are owned by Square-Enix and Nintendo.

Ilia, Link, Midna, and Kafei were facing the Emperor in his unholy glory. "You fools! Now you will die here!"

"Oh, shut up!" Ilia snapped. "You think you're so big, with your scary looking crown and your ugly face! You think you can conquer hell, just to blow up the world! BIG FUCKING DEAL!"

The emperor growled as he began to cast Flare.

"AND ANOTHER THING, WHY IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU CALLED THE EMPEROR? WHY DIDN'T YOUR MAMA CALL YOU SHITHEAD?"

WHOOM!

"AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGH!" Ilia's body was covered in searing flames as she slowly began to die. "LINNKKKYYYYYY!" were her last words as she faded from existence.

"Damn it!" Link shouted. "Ilia had the cure spell! Now _we're_ all gonna die!"

The Emperor laughed as he finished off the party in an instant.

_Party: Terminated._

TBC.


	45. Death by the Emperor of Mankind

I do not own Zelda or Warhammer40k. Games Workshop and Nintendo own them both.

Ilia was exploring around in a large place. She looked around for her precious Link as she tried to figure out where she was at the same time.

"Link?" She shouted. "Where are you?" Ilia kept walking down the hallway until she stumbled upon a large door. "What's this?"

She opened the door and saw a dried-up husk in golden armor sitting on a throne. "What the fuck is that?" Ilia walked closer and stared at the husk with her own two eyes.

Suddenly, she felt her body vibrate all over. '_Leave this place at once,_' a voice rang in her head. Ilia grabbed her head. "WHO ARE YOU? GET OUT OF MY HEAD!"

She looked around and glared at the Emperor before her. "Are you the one that's doing this? STOP IT! STOP IT NOW!"

A bright glow surrounded Ilia as the Emperor opened his eyes and glared at her. Ilia felt her skin being ripped off from her muscles. An agonizing scream escaped from her mouth.

Her muscles were next as they were ripped apart from the bone, blood splattering everywhere. Ilia gagged as her organs exploded, gore and stomach acid dropping onto the floor. Then her bones shattered and turned into dust as her brain was blown to mushy pieces.

Ilia's remains fell into a pile of flesh and blood as the Emperor used his mind to teleport her into space, where the legions of Chaos would eventually find her and do with her as they pleased.

TBC.


	46. Death by one of the Four Fiends

I do not own Zelda nor Final Fantasy IV. They are owned by Square-Enix and Nintendo.

Ilia was staring at the long haired blonde lady, preening herself at the mirror. "Hurry up," She whined. "Linky's going to leave!"

Barbariccia frowned. Ilia was getting on her nerves and the thought of throwing her out the window was pretty tempting.

Ilia began jumping up and down, like a child. "HUR-RY- UPPPPP!" She wailed childishly. The Empress of the Winds clenched her fists as she glared at her roommate. "I'll be right out, for crying out loud!"

"NOT FAST ENOUGH!" was her response. "HURRY UP NOW!"

"That's it," Barbariccia stood up and stalked towards Ilia, a murderous glint in her eyes.

"What are you doing?" Ilia shouted. "And why aren't you wearing a dress? You look like a slut!"

Barbariccia grabbed her by the throat and glared down at her. "You listen to me, and you listen good!" Her grip began to tighten. "If I hear one more complaint out of you, just ONE more complaint, I'm going to throw you out of the window. UNDERSTAND?"

Ilia blinked in response.

"I'll take that as a yes." She dropped Ilia to the floor and sighed loudly.

"When are you going to cut your long ass hair-"

WHOOSH! CRASH!

"!" Ilia screamed as she dropped to her death below.

Barbariccia sighed as she brushed her hands off. "Why do they always think they can order me around?" She went back to preening herself at the mirror.

TBC.


	47. Death by Sephiroth

I do not own Zelda or Final Fantasy VII. Square-Enix and Nintendo own it.

Ilia sat on a boulder, watching Sephiroth practice his swordplay. "I bet Linky could beat you in a fight!" She smiled.

"…" Sephiroth just stared at her as Ilia continued to run off her mouth. "He's even better than that spiky-haired douche! Clod, was it?"

WHAM!

"His name is _Cloud_." Sephiroth glowered at the girl. "And don't you forget it."

"Ooh, mister pretty-boy has got a crush on the spiky-haired douche…" Ilia giggled. "I bet you two fags must love to make kissy-kissy with each other."

Sephiroth gripped his Masamune and gave her a death glare. "Say that again."

"I said, you two faggots-"

ZING! CLICK!

Ilia just stood there, her mouth open. Then her head fell off from her body, as did her arms and legs. Finally, her torso broke in half, revealing her organs.

"Mother, forgive me. I did a bad thing…" Sephiroth looked heavenward as he held the bloody Masamune, sheathed, in his hands.

TBC.


	48. Death by The Laughing Mad Clown

I do not own Zelda or Final Fantasy VI. Square-Enix and Nintendo own them.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Kefka was laughing evilly as usual as he burned down a city. "FOOLS! NO ONE OPPOSES ME!"

Ilia yawned. "So, what are we doing next, Mr. K?" She smiled.

"Well, I was thinking of about going on our honeymoon, dear." Kefka smiled evilly. "And by 'Our', I mean yours."

"Wait, what?" Ilia blinked. Before she could ask, Ilia was quickly bound to a large rocket with strong fiber ropes.

"WAIT A MINUTE, MR. K! YOU CAN'T DO THIS!" Ilia screamed.

"Oh, don't worry, my dear. I'm not firing you. I'm just firing you…TO THE MOON! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Kefka cackled as he lit the fuse.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Ilia screamed as she flew off into the skies, turning into a blink in the sky.

"Oops… Was that a firecracker or a real rocket?" Kefka wondered.

**BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!**

"That answered my question, then. HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Kefka whooped in excitement as he laughed his ass off.

TBC


	49. Death by ExDeath

I do not own Zelda or Final Fantasy V. Square-Enix and Nintendo own it.

Link, Midna, Zelda, and Ilia were facing against Exdeath. "Your time has come, Exdeath!" Link, a Samurai, shouted.

Zelda, a White Mage, and Midna, a Mystic Knight, nodded.

Ilia, a Dancer, was too busy acting like an idiot to notice. "WHEEEEEE!"

"Fools," Exdeath snarled. "I will devour you in the void!" Exdeath unleashed one of his ultimate attacks on the party, damaging them.

"OW!" Ilia screamed. "YOU BIG TREE JERK! DIDN'T YOU MOTHER EVER TEACH YOU MANNERS?"

Exdeath began to summon a spell as Ilia continued to bitch him out. "YOU DUMB FUCKING TREE! I HATE TREES! THEY'RE COMPLETELY WORTHLESS!"

BLAM!

Ilia fell to the ground, lifeless as Exdeath continued his relentless attack. Link and the princesses kept standing their ground, Zelda healing Link and Midna, while Midna and Link kept up the attack.

But Ilia would remain dead, even after the battle ended.

TBC.


	50. Ilia's Final Death

I do not own Zelda. It is owned by Nintendo.

Ilia was skipping in the forest, singing a happy tune. "Oh, LINKYYYYYY~" She sang, with a smile on her face. Nothing would ruin her day, not even everything!

Suddenly a meteorite fell upon the dumb blonde village girl.

BOOM!

"I'm ok!" Ilia stood up and climbed out of the crater. She brushed herself off and kept walking. She headed towards Link's tree house and climbed up.

Suddenly, a piece of the ledge fell from her grip and she fell onto the ground. "I'm… ok!" Ilia got up and climbed up the steps again. She went inside and saw her Link and his friends playing video games.

"HI, LINKY!" Ilia shrieked.

"Oh, dear god." Link moaned.

"_You_," Ruto hissed in anger.

"Me!" Ilia chirped back in response. "And I know you dirty jerks have been thinking about trying to kill me."

Everyone widened their eyes in surprise. "What do you mean?" Zelda asked.

"DON'T PLAY DUMB, ROYAL TITS!" Ilia snapped. "I know that the author has been killing me for 49 times in this story!" She then smiled evilly. "But I now have immunity!"

"What?" Link shouted.

"I kicked Death's ass and now I'm immortal! I CAN BE WITH LINKY FOREVER!"

"She's lying!" Ruto roared. "KICK HER ASS!"

Everyone hurled every pointy and sharp object that they could find towards Ilia.

SPLAT! SHING! CRACK! POW! CRUNCH! SMACK!

Ilia stood there, unharmed from the barrage of items. "PFFFFT." She blew a raspberry at everyone. "LOSERS!"

"NO!" Link shook his head in horror. "SWEET GOD, NO!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!" Ilia laughed and grabbed Link and ran off.

Soon, everyone had heard about Ilia injuring Death and decided to go kick her ass.

Kaguya Houraisan and Moukou no Fujiwara ambushed the farm girl with danmaku and spell cards.

Ilia grabbed the Master Sword and hacked Moukou to pieces, then she cut off Kaguya's head and kicked it to a hollow stump. "GOAL!" She roared.

"HELP ME!" Link screamed.

"Be quiet, Linky." Ilia stuffed one of her socks into his mouth, the smell nearly making him gag.

Soon, everyone from the previous chapters came and surrounded Ilia. Even the characters that were in the featured series, but didn't make an appearance in the fic, came as well.

"You're the girl that beat death," Dracula growled, flexing his fingers. "No one beats my second in command except Belmont!"

"This girl claims that she's a god?" Susanoo asked. "I don't believe it."

"It's true." Vishnu narrowed his eyes. "The girl has lost her mortality."

"SHUT UP, YOU BASTARDS! NOW, IT'S TIME FOR PAYBACK!"

Ilia let out a roar and jumped into the air with Link's Hylian shield in one arm, and the Master Sword in another. "AAAAARRRGGGGHHHHHH!"

She ran towards Satan first, and slashed at his chest, leaving a gash. "ARGH! YOU DAMNED GIRL!" He howled in pain. Ilia then stabbed him in the face.

Then she jumped off of him and lunged at Salior Moon, who was trying to defend herself. "DIE, MOONBITCH!"

Ilia stabbed her in the gut and kicked her in the groin. Then she ran towards Shiva and kicked him in the nuts. "Take that, you crossdresser!"

Shiva (from Final Fantasy) blinked at her male counterpart as he held his crown jewels in pain.

"METEO!" shouted a voice. Ilia was struck by many meteors as she struggled to stand. "FUCK! FUCKING ASSHOLES!" she cursed.

"HOLY!" Ilia was blasted with a shining light. "ARRGH!" She blocked it with her shield, but the impact sent her flying towards a large man with an eyepatch.

"Are you gonna put up much of a fight, I wonder?" He raised his blade and swung down. Ilia dodged out of the way, nearly avoiding getting cut in two.

"RRRAAAAAH!" Ilia screamed as she stabbed Cloud in the shoulder and snatched his Buster Sword from him and began to use Omnislash.

The man in the eyepatch was sent flying back into a faraway tree. "NO ONE CAN STOP ME!" Ilia unleashed a powerful shockwave that blew everyone away, including her Linky.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA!" Ilia laughed evilly. Her vengeance was nearly complete!

But suddenly, a black light emerged from the ground and a being in a black cloak, holding a scythe, walked towards Ilia.

"Death…" Ilia whispered.

"_Hello, Ilia._" The grim reaper held up a hand. "_I have come to grant you your mortality back._"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ilia screamed in anguish as her mortality returned to her body. She began to feel the pain of the attacks upon her body grow stronger and fiercer. Then she went into a horrific spasm, her arms and legs jerking in an odd manner.

"AHAHHHAHAHARGHARHGGHRGHAHH!" Ilia cried out in tongues as she began to die. Everyone watched in horror, awe, delight, joy, pity, and empathy.

"BLAAAARGH!" Ilia's eyes bulged out as she feel back to the ground, dead.

Link got onto his knees, a smile in his eyes. "MMMPPFFF!" He cheered.

Everyone let out a roar of victory as they danced in joy. Ilia, was finally dead. She was no more!

Death walked over to Link and pulled out Ilia's sock from his mouth. "_I'm sorry, young hero. I wish I could've gotten here sooner…_"

"Well, you killed Ilia. That's all it matters." Link smiled. "Wanna go to my house and play some Fallout: New Vegas?"

"_I would like that very much._" Death's tone had a hint of happiness in it. Then he and Link and everyone went back to the house to celebrate Ilia's death.

Ilia's body lay there in a rotting heap. Then something moved inside her and burst out. "Oh, god! I'M FREE! I'M FINALLY FREEEEEE!" Navi shouted as she flew around the forest. "THANK GOD!" She then flew off to parts unknown, possibly on a new adventure.

The end.


End file.
